Low on Class/High on Beer

Two of my friends and I decided it would be fun try hitting every bar on Clifton’s Van Houten Ave on a Friday night. It was about 16 degrees – and we were under the assumption that Van Houten was a lot shorter and that the bars were a lot closer together then they actually are. But, fueled by the foolishness of youth and Amstel Light, we carried on. Rather than do the drunk-walk in sub-freezing temperatures (Hey, that’s how Russians die!) we cheated and forced our designatedish driver to convert our Crawl into a Pub Cruise.

Grande Saloon
940 Van Houten Ave
(973) 472-5207

10:00pm – By the time we arrive, the Saloon’s small and slanted parking lot is basically full and too treacherous to park in – so we park on the street. There’s so much ice, I can’t open the door and debate climbing out a window. Once inside, just about every bar stool is taken, but the majority of the tables in the Saloon’s tiny dining room are empty. Our waitress explains that we just missed the dinner rush. So, we slide into a booth and order some double-tall vodka drinks.

Unlike most bars on Van Houten Ave, the Grande Saloon looks new inside and out, and has a well-lit, clean interior. The jukebox selections seem to mirror what you’d hear on Jack FM. The staff is youthful and friendly and the crowd ranges from it’s early 20’s to middle-aged. It’s one of the few bars on the street where I would say it is acceptable to take a date (not a first date, mind you, but a date).

We didn’t stay long, just an hour or so – long enough to have two drinks and a shot apiece. The bar serves typical American fare but, of course, we didn’t get to have any. I probably would have chosen the potato skins and the zucchini sticks from the appetizer menu (I’d slap my momma for those zucchini sticks, they’re so good).

Uncle Roy’s
819 Van Houten Avenue
973-779-9748

11:02pm – Drive past Uncle Roys. It is closed. We are sad.

Uncle Roys is the ultimate dive/old-man bar, complete with a pool table. If you’re looking for bottled beer, you have only two choices: Bud and Coors Lite. I wouldn’t recommend ordering anything else, as I question the cleaning regimen. Dark and nearly devoid of windows, it’s difficult to tell if it is open or closed without trying the front door. If you do find that Roy’s is open, I recommend you stop in, if only to see the giant pair of granny panties tacked to the wall. I can only imagine the story that goes with them.

Author’s note (7/30/07): It is with a heavy heart that I bring you the news that as I passed Roy’s the other day, I saw a sign announcing that it will soon be a women’s gym. Maybe they’ll still keep the giant granny panties on the wall for inspiration.

Giorgio’s
709 Van Houten Ave
973-773-770

11:07 p.m. – We are now regretting our decision to pass up the zucchini sticks. Hungry, buzzed and disappointed by Roy’s, we loudly troop into what my sidekick referred to as “the classiest bar on Van Houten.” The old people inside are staring at us like vampires wanting to suck the youth from us - or like I just tripped into a palm tree covered in white Christmas lights. Why is that even there?

This cozy Italian restaurant has only been around since February 2003 and, like the Grande Saloon, is one of the few inviting places on Van Houten. The menu boasts Italian, European and Mediterranean fare.

I would love nothing more than to describe to you their Eggplant Rollatini or Chicken Marsala – but the kitchen closed at 10 p.m. The kind bartenders, concerned for my stomach, checked to see if Mario’s, the pizza-place across the street, was still open and poured us bowls of pretzels and potato chips – to accompany our Amstel Lights (Did you think we could do doubles of hard liquor all night? This is a marathon, not a sprint.).

Although the bar had an older crowd – somewhere between middle-age and retirement – DJ ErnieG was playing a mix of 80s music, a personal favorite. According to their entertainment calendar, ErnieG is a regular Friday night fixture. They also boast a monthly Comedy Night and a Psychic Fair Buffet (I know! I’m curious too. I’ll have to check that out and report back to you.).

Van Houten Lanes
564 Van Houten Ave.
973-773-1675

Midnightish - Our driver pulls up to the curb and makes me try the door of the Van Houten Lanes to see if it’s open. I trip up the few stairs and - victory! We are excited to bowl and start running around the alley trying to find the perfect balls (I said “perfect balls” - haha). There is much victory dancing and shoe-modeling. We are having the most fun ever and by we, I mostly mean me, because I’m winning! In your face, losers.

I have passed this bowling Alley dozens of times, but since it doesn’t have any big-bright signs like the Brunswick Bowl in Belleville to catch my eye, I never thought to wander in. That was a big mistake.

It was old and modest; it smelled a bit like bowling shoes. At this time of night, however, there were only two other lanes taken (I’d say there were about 12 overall – but I was drunk counting, so I may be off by a few.) We, all in our mid-20s, were the oldest bowlers, but not the oldest people in there, by far – the bartender could have been our grandfather.

A frame into the game, our lane decided not to send our balls back – which caused much frantic button-pressing, but the ten-pounders we spent the first ten minutes scavenging for eventually returned.

The bar was fully stocked and had excellent service (unlike the aforementioned Brunswick Bowl). There were also tables in the back (the alley is connected to a pizza parlor) and a pool table for anyone who feels the need to play multiple sports while drinking.

It will cost $4 per person per game and $2.50 per pair of shoes.

Dingbatz
620 Van Houten Ave
973-471-1145

Almost 1 a.m. – Parking is becoming challenging so our driver is cut off. We stood outside Dingbatz and debated whether or not we wanted to pay a cover to hear the dark rock/metal band we could hear coming from the inside of this club - when we could just go across the street to Dingo’s Den. Since Dingo’s had no cover and is owned by the same people as Dingbatz (and has a similar crowd), our little crew - low on cash - decided our money would be better spent on booze at Dingo’s.

Dingo’s Den
615 Van Houten Ave
973-471-7767

Minutes Later – It’s effin freezing and I’m sick of waiting for my friend to finish smoking his cigarette, so I ask for a pull and then toss the stupid thing into the street. I make my way inside and stare for a noticeably long time at some guy’s septum piercing while my embarassed companions head to the bar, pretending they don’t know me. An Amstel Light magically makes it’s way into my hand and we go set up camp at a vacant pool table. We have stolen the triangle from the neighboring table and I’m afraid I’ll be caught and the gothic-looking players will use their magics on me - so I toss it to my companion and head off to the (men’s) bathroom (surpisingly clean and no line). I suppose they instead cursed my friend because I kicked his ass in two out of three games. I am the best drunk-athlete ever!

The full bar has a dark décor, mostly black, orange and deep purple. There are a few tables and chairs set up, but most of the customers, if not crowded around the bar, usually sit on couches and chairs as if in some mis-matched heavy-metal café. The customers, in their 20s and 30s, are generally sporting tattoos, facial piercings, unconventional facial hair, and dyed-black manes. You’re likely to find hard rock and heavy metal playing on the jukebox.

The back room is a lot lighter, and usually a lot less crowded. There are fewer couches to sit on and it has a dartboard, two pool tables, and a few other games. The ceiling is decorated like the night sky – complete with a solar-system mobile that looks like it was built for a fourth grader’s science project.

Max’s
593 Van Houten Ave
973 777-5454

Almost 2? – I can’t believe how stupid the guy next to me looks in his ridiculous poofy, sideways hat. Half of the guys in this bar look like K-Fed wannabes and the other half are my grandpa’s age and are giving my friend the “googley moogley eyes.” We must protect her. The only normal people I see are the bartenders and a crew of waiters from the nearby Charlie Brown’s - but I think one of them might be a migdet. CAN I GET A GODDAMN DRINK OVER HERE?!

We found a drastically different crowd in Max’s than we found over at Dingo’s Den. Where as Dingo’s is hard-rock and metal, Max’s was all hip-hop and rap. The bar had a small crowd, but wasn’t packed and my friend and I were two of the only five women in the entire bar – a total sausage-fest. The crowd ranged from 20-something to old men. This bar too, had a pool table.

I don’t suggest that drunken women stagger into Max’s alone, late at night. The learing older men are creepy and may accost you if you are left alone for too long, as I was while my friends went outside for a cigarette.

The service was terrible – with two bartenders and maybe only 25 patrons, it took us forever to get three lemon-drop shots.

Max’s had only two redeeming qualities. One was that Bel Biv Divo’s Poison came on and distracted me from the terrible service. The other was the giant poster boasting dollar drafts on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights; $6 pitchers on Wednesday night; $2 domestic and $3 imported bottles on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights; and $3 shots every hour on Saturdays.

Last Stop?
2:30 a.m. - We are so hungry and it’s almost last call anyway (Clifton bars close at 3 a.m., an hour later than all of the surrounding towns.). All tolled up, I drank…a lot. I believe it was about two mixed-drinks (doubles), three shots, and five Amstel Lights, for only about $50. We’re on our way to the the Tick-Tock Diner for snacks. I’m going to have EVERYTHING.

— by Ali Hanford
Ali is managing editor and a co-founder of GoOutJersey and lives in Essex County. She has lived in NJ her whole life.

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