Cave Dwelling & Desserts

Archetypus café is one of those confounding places that I both love and loathe. The vibe that the café strives for is totally pretentious, snooty, and cooler-than-thou (just see the website if you need proof). Ironically, its patrons are comprised mainly of the usual north Jersey guido set; they were the popular kids in high school who wouldn’t know what to do with high-class snobbery if it were hanging from their tricked-out Hondas’ rear view mirrors. So, no love lost on the ambience for me.

Yet I can’t help but love the interior. The walls are sculpted with all kinds of weird, artful lumps and crazy textures. There are plaster sculptures and statues embedded in the walls, and the formerly-known-as-the-smoking-section is comprised of tables set into individual caves. Lots of candles and mood music make it the ultimate chill-out getaway. I even manage to forget about the obnoxious/trendy patrons around me. This is definitely a great end-of-first-date spot, if you’re in the market.

The menu offers a variety of sandwiches, salads, wraps, quesadillas, etc., to snack on, although the main draw is the wide selection of coffees, teas, and desserts. Naturally, everything is totally overpriced. You’ll pay about seven bucks for a piece of pie, but it is damn good. I’ve sampled many of the specialty drinks and desserts, and a few of the appetizers, and I’ve never been disappointed. So I figure the occasional indulgence can’t hurt.

My favorite time to go to Archetypus is on a nice sticky summer night, where the patio out back is a beautiful place to sit and drink something with a lot of ice in it.

Actually, I’m lucky I am allowed to step through the door of this particular café at all, after an incident some years back. It was my eighteenth birthday (ah, the innocence and frivolity of youth), and my five friends and I were settled into one of the caves having dessert.

Adjacent to our table was one of those embedded plaster statues I mentioned. Sadly, this noble Roman figure had had his manhood ruthlessly snapped off at some point. Ever resourceful, someone in the group just happened to have a small rubber penis (a party favor, she swears to this day) in her purse. We all joined in the attempt to restore this poor man to his former greatness, and made quite a scene in the process, as you can imagine.

Our waiter, amused with our efforts, brought us an extremely suggestive phallic-shaped cake to show his appreciation. This kind gesture only encouraged our raucousness, and the management, far less amused than our waiter, asked us to keep it the hell down.

So the moral of the story is: if you can behave yourself around grown-up art, have a few bucks to spend, and don’t mind being around people you would never be friends with, give Archetypus a try. Because eating in a cave is cool.

Café Archetypus
266 River Road
Edgewater
(201) 941-0609
http://archetypus.com

— by Nicole Little
Nicole, GoOutJersey's associate editor, is a Nutley native and recent Weehawken transplant. She loves dining out and imposing her opinions on others, which makes her a well-qualified reviewer.

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