I love kids, really.

I babysat for several years – even taught the babysitting class for the Red Cross during a brief period of benevolence during early high school. I’ve worked as a teacher’s aide at a nursery school and I was a counselor at a girl-scout camp.

I don’t even mind little kids in the restaurant provided that they are reasonably well behaved. If I’m not busy, I’ll happily sneak your hungry toddler some free cucumber slices to snack on at your request, or find a crusty heel of bread for a teething-baby or grab extra crayons for kids determined to win the restaurant-sponsored coloring contest.

What I hate is shoddy half-assed parenting in the booths of my section.

Some people let their bratty children run amuck in a restaurant. This is fine at, say, a Chuck-E-Cheese or in a McDonald’s Play Place. But in a busy restaurant filled with adults, things are quite different.

For example, in my early days of serving, I slung pancakes at a popular chain (Yes, I’m sure you guessed correctly. You’re very smart.) with my best friend, Amber*. Every table in the restaurant was full, waitresses were running around at top speed in an effort to keep diners happy and get them out quickly so that new customers could sit.

At the very same time Amber was rushing off to a table with a pot of boiling-hot water, a pre-schooler was running around the aisles while his parents sat back drinking coffee. Since it’s difficult to see a pint-sized person beneath a giant tray of drinks, the wee-one crashed into her legs, causing Amber to lose her balance.

She had one of those split-second decisions to make. Fall forward and possibly scald the child with the tea-water or fall backwards and scald herself. She scalded herself, picked up the kid, plopped him down with his parents – and told them to watch their damn child.

And for this, she got in trouble.

Little kids cause problems for servers all the time. It’s not their fault. They don’t know any better. It’s the fault of their parents. Maybe they don’t know any better either. But they can read, learn, and better themselves, which is why I’ve complied this list of issues:

Free-Range Children

I think my story clearly states the problems that children roaming/running around the aisles can cause for servers, but what about the problems it can cause your children? That little boy could have been severely hurt in that accident. Also, it’s not just diner-type places where children run around. I can’t tell you how often parents let their kids leave the dining room and head over to the bar area at the place I currently work. They climb all over the pool tables, jump around on the stage, and try to get at the Mega-touch. They could fall, or worse. They’re being allowed to roam around, unsupervised, with people who start drinking at one in the afternoon. Is this really a good idea, Mom and Dad?

Tell The Lady What You Want

Billy, what do you want for dinner? The lady is here to take your order. Tell the lady what you want. Tell the lady. Tell her. Tell her what you want, Billy. Billy, tell her right now. Billy, tell her what you just told me. Tell her you want the chicken fingers. Say chicken fingers, Billy. Say it. The lady is busy; just tell her what you want…

Yes, the lady is busy. While you were prompting little Billy to place his order (and sparking a temper-tantrum from him and me - internally), table six ran out of beer, table ten’s food finished cooking, and table fifteen started obnoxiously waiving their bill around in a desperate attempt to get some change from me. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud you for trying to teach your child restaurant etiquette. Bravo. But I have things to do. Maybe next time, we can enact a three strikes policy. If little Billy doesn’t get it on the third try, maybe you can tell me that he wants the chicken fingers and save us all some time and aggravation.

Toys …

Waiting for the food to come is boring; I get this. Even I get antsy some times. And so I often see parents entertaining their kids with toys and anything that they can find to substitute for toys in moments of desperation. As far as toys are concerned, cheers to you for coming up with a way to keep your kid out of my hair and away from the bar. But kids have a tendency to throw everything on the floor. Think of this as a game of fetch, where it’s your job to retrieve the fallen items. Matchbox cars, Tonka trucks, and anything else with wheels sitting on a busy restaurant floor, spells disaster. If I go down when bringing you your food, we’re going to have a problem. And if those toys take down Bridget and Elsie, my 80-year-old, cane-toting regulars – well I don’t think I need to tell you about the guilt-ridden shame-spiral you’ll be riding out of there.

..and Non-Toys

Sugar packets are not toys, people! Neither are ketchup bottles, salt and pepper shakers, or shredded napkins. What they are, are sticky messy things that need to be cleaned up and refilled before the next table sits down. You should have to lick up every damn thing your kid spills for entertainment!

Next time, think ahead, ask me for crayons, or order his food as soon as you sit down. Kids meals are designed to come out quickly and children take forever to eat. He’ll get fed right away, and will still be working on his grilled cheese with fries by the time you get your meal.

Late-Night Babies

All I have to say is, if it’s past 10 p.m. and you have a baby in a bar, we’re judging you. We are ALL judging you. God is judging you.

*Name has been changed.

— by Jersey Waitress
The Jersey Waitress column is written by a real Jersey waitress who prefers anonymity. Got a story to share? Let us know...

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