Stupid Things Customers Say

Do I have to tip you?

No, sir. This is actually just a hobby of mine. I love staying up until the wee hours of the morning getting beer sloshed onto my shirts and listening to poorly sung karaoke music just so that I might have the pleasure of saving your lazy ass a trip from your table to the bar – located about 4 feet away. It’s okay. You keep your quarter.

I don’t want the check. I just want to know how much I owe you.

Guess what, genius… all that information is found right on the CHECK. If you think I know how much every menu item costs with tax, you clearly overestimate my math skills. Furthermore, if you’re going to irritate me and then trust me to tell you how much your bill came to without proof – you’re going to get seriously overcharged for that decaf tea you ordered.

Should I get the Turkey Club or the Filet Mignon?

Assuming you follow normal tipping practices, realize that I’m walking away from your table with 20% of whatever you spend. If you ask me what to get, I will always tell you to get the more expensive item – even if it’s shit. You know better than I do what you’re in the mood for. I’m just here to bring it to you.

Don’t you worry. I’m going to take real good care of you.

LIAR! Not only do I know that you’re going to leave me a 10% tip and act like you’re leaving me the keys to a brand new Lexus, you’re going to talk my ear off all night like we’re the best of friends, keeping me from all of my normal, good-tipping tables. This is not a good start for us.

I’m in a hurry. Could you please rush my well done steak?

I can do many things, but mess with the laws of physics? I cannot. I cannot make it cook any faster or slower. I do not have magical powers and neither does anyone in the kitchen. If you’re in such big hurry, you should probably order a cold sandwich, a rare to medium done burger, an appetizer, or ask me what can be cooked quickly - because you clearly don’t want to be late and I definitely don’t want to hear you bitch and moan.

Why is it so dead in here?

Well, the board of health actually shut us down last week but we refuse to let a little thing like that stand in our way. I’m surprised you didn’t see the article in the paper last week…yea, totally overrun with rats. There goes one now. *Eyeroll*

My guess is as good as yours but it’s kind of a sore spot for me because without customers, I make no money. Why do you want to rub salt into my open wounds?

Tell the chef that this dish isn’t as good as it usually is.

Um – sure. I guess you missed my last piece about cranky chefs. The next time I want a plate or spatula thrown at my head, I’ll be sure to pass your critiques along. Why don’t you just grab a comment card on your way out to placate your need to have your opinions heard?

I’ll have water with a lot of extra lemons.

You cheap feck! You’re going to make your own, free lemonade at the table, aren’t you? Aren’t you? I know your kind. You’re going to want every free thing coming to you - bread, extra crackers with your soup, a big tub of cole-slaw and extra pickles with your $4 hamburger. If I get so busy that I have to have a sacrifice table*, be assured, its going to be you!

*Sacrifice table – Sometimes if the rush hits hard and you’re somewhat understaffed, you end up with more tables than you can deal with. The sacrifice table is the pain in the ass one that you know is probably not going to tip you. So they end up getting ignored while you take care of the tables that you sense will leave around 20%.

— by Jersey Waitress
The Jersey Waitress column is written by a real Jersey waitress who prefers anonymity. Got a story to share? Let us know...

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