Beat People With Sticks With Your New Boyfriend

I am dangerous at mini-golf.

This is not a euphemistic way of saying that I’m an awesome player. I’m average. I stay on par.

I’m dangerous because I’m careless and don’t know my own strength. I’ve wacked people with clubs I was twirling, rocketed golf balls at preschoolers’ heads (I’m still sooooooo sorry!) and launched balls into the water traps two holes over.

And yet, despite all my foibles, they still let me back in to Dynamite Falls.

It’s the perfect place to kill some time if you need to entertain a small person, add some cheese to your dating life, or want to act like a doofus with your friends.

There are no windmills or clown’s heads but there is an old-mine theme complete with moving ore car, a stream designed to carry your ball from the top of the course to the lower playing level, exploding fountains and a squawking hawk. The course - that switches up uneven greens, water traps and hills – is challenging for players of any age but not impossible, even for the little putters.

It’s an affordable night out, with admission prices for adults costing less than a movie ticket ($7.75 for adults 12 and older. $6.75 for kids 3-11).

On the 18th hole, as mini-golf tradition would dictate, a hole in one can win you a free game and a spectacle to boot.

Dynamite Falls also offers a snack bar and party packages.

Dynamite Falls
400 Fairfield Road
at The Gallo Family Mall
Fairfield
Golf Information: (973) 808-0300
http://www.dynamitefalls.com/

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Come Grab Life (Or At Least A Mechanical Bull) By the Horns!

The Colorado Café is a little slice of country, right here in our neighborhood… sort of. On a winding, un-lit road in Watchung, smack dab between routes 78 and 22, you’d never know you’re five minutes from civilization. This sprawling restaurant, bar, and dance hall isn’t hard to miss, as it’s the only thing on the road.

I visited this bar for the first time as part of a birthday celebration for Ali, our dear Go Out Jersey managing editor. My friends and I rolled up one Friday night, paid our $10 cover charge, and scoped the place out.

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This Irish Rose is Worth The Wait

Welcome to my behind-the-times review of The Shannon Rose.

You were probably all eagerly awaiting the review of the new Clifton hot-spot months ago, when it opened (in time for St. Paddy’s). And I was eager to go and hate and bash. But it was always so busy and so was I, so our paths never actually crossed. Until now.

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We here at GoOutJersey have decided to use this van and the help of Xzibit to form the new A-Team. Ali, solely because she always kind of had a thing for George Peppard, will take on the role of Hannibal in his honor. Donna, our muscle, will be a beaded jewelry version of B.A. Baracus. The mysterious John Busco will take on the role of Face and the sometimes wacky Alex Simon will be sort of an intoxicated version of Murdock.

Xzibit - we don’t need any fancy carpet or fish tanks in our van, but we would appreciate some crime fighting equipment, and the boys would like a flat screen and a Wii.

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Remember the rise of the metrosexual, circa 2003? It coincided with the popularity of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy – and hetero males all across this great nation started “manscaping,” “zhooshing,” and throwing off everyone’s gaydar.

But by the end of 2006, the straight, rugged man began to rise again as Queer Eye neared cancellation and the Miller Lite Man-Laws started to hit the screen. Waxed eyebrows and hair product were set aside and chest hair and pudgy bellies were once again acceptable…except for here in New Jersey.

There may be no explanation as to why the guidos – a group not known for being gay-friendly – still insist on presenting themselves as if they enjoy spending their nights at Feathers, but if you’d just like to ponder the eternal question while trying to decide if these metrofied men are gay or Jersey, Click This!

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Swim & Drive

Pretty much the only time I went to the beach as a kid was when my parents were willing to drive 2 hours to Wildwood or Cape May. I loved these trips and still look forward to going, but sometimes I wish the beach were closer and there wasn’t as much of a gas-guzzling excursion involved.

Well, I recently took a trip to Sandy Hook, and it’s my new beach destination of choice. Here’s why.

For one, not only do you not have to drive, it’s better if you don’t. Parking and traffic are rumored to be terrible. There are buses, but I opted for the ferry that leaves from two locations in Manhattan - Pier 11 and East 34th St. Yes, I had to get myself up early enough to catch the 8am-ish Decamp to get to the city (the other option was drive to the PATH), but I hate driving, so I tolerated all the public transportation. And, yes, the ferry is a bit costly, but when you average in the price of gas and parking, and the aggravation of driving, it’s well worth the $40 round trip per person. Of course, I wasn’t going with five people packed in a car, sharing the cost.

Extra benefit: you can take your bike on the ferry, and your dog (it’s only like $3 extra to take your bike).

And did I mention the ride was just 40 minutes?

There are five public beaches in Sandy Hook, a 2,044-acre barrier peninsula, with uncreative names like “North Beach” and “E Beach”. And then there’s Gunnison, the nude beach. Yes, nude. But Hetero men can stop drooling - most of the sunbathers here were gay men or old couples. Some teeangers sitting near me actually came running back in horror, complaining to their mom.

We chose to go to E Beach which has public bathrooms and a restaurant, and seemed to attract more families than horny teenagers in mini-kinis. So the atmosphere was tamer than what you might find in Seaside.

When we went, the water was so frigid it actually hurt, but every inch of sand was packed anyway. My husband who, for some unknown reason, isn’t bothered by cold water went swimming and was actually numb for about 15 minutes after getting out. And he said the water was “okay, not too bad” - so if you’re attracted to things like Polar Bear Clubs, please come now and don’t wait until August when the water is a little closer to body temperature. The water was also really rough and at times there are rip tides to watch out for.

There is no beach town or commercial community of Sandy Hook – it is actually a National Park that is also home to a military base and a lighthouse. So, no boardwalks, but I have read that in nearby Highlands there are seafood restaurants, and nightlife and outdoor activities. I didn’t get a chance to go, so if you’ve been there, please let us know if it’s worth the trip.

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It Wouldn’t Be Summer In Jersey Without It

Every summer I look forward to the state fair at the Meadowlands. My enthusiasm is chiefly based on my love for rickety carnival rides. Far more exciting than anything at a major theme park, the rides at the fair invoke that little, lingering fear that a structurally significant bolt will pop out at any moment.

Last year, I rode all my favorites – I don’t know what the fair actually calls them, but there are comparable equivalents at pretty much any fair or amusement park – the Gravitron, the Himalaya, the Pirate Ship, basically anything that spins me around or swings me back and forth at dizzying speeds is a good bet. The best and most unique ride at the fair is the Crazy Mouse. It’s a roller coaster with cars shaped like giant mouse heads, which spin around on wheels while riding forward along the track. When that mouse head really picks up steam and takes a hard turn, you almost feel like you’re going to go flying off into the glittering parking lot below. It’s awesome.

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Comedy writer Ken Levine’s blog features a piece about how the Sopranos finale would have gone if it had been on a major network rather than HBO. It’s as hilarious as it is true and it’ll make you appreciate David Chase and his ambiguous ending.

To read it, Click This!

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So, according to a small blurb in USA Today, a German shepherd that was supposed to be euthanized for attacking a child has instead been reassigned: to work at a prison as a guard dog.

“Ozzy” will not be allowed to interact with prisoners or the public. But obviously, he’ll be in close contact with prison guards since he’ll be patrolling the perimeter at the George W. Hill Correctional Facility.

Does this seem like a good solution to you for a dog that would otherwise be put to sleep? Or does it sound like trouble waiting to happen? Dangerous dogs who have attacked children being given jobs that encourage their aggressiveness — a good trend?

Tell us what you think below.

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I have heard this refrain countless times since Sunday night’s limpid Sopranos’ finale, but I said it first so I’m holding onto it.

As someone who has spent wayyyy too much of his 20’s watching, following, speculating on and obsessing over “The Sopranos”, my first reaction after seeing the screen go blank and silent was that the fans (especially this fan) deserved more.

David Chase, the creator of “The Sopranos” has said in interviews that he doesn’t feel that art should give answers to people. Instead, it should raise questions and let us come to our own conclusions. While I believe in giving the viewer or listener room to think in music, television, film, art etc., I find this to be somewhat of a cop-out when faced with the question of “The Finale”.

It’s incumbent upon the people who created this show, and who shaped the characters and devised the plots, to resolve for us the fate of its main character. Simply leaving it to interpretation is not giving credit to the audience, it’s an insult. Make a decision, any decision about what happens to Tony and stick with it.

To me, the blank screen smacked of David Chase not trusting himself, flinching at the most important of moments. To leave room open for more episodes or a movie is further insult. We were told countless times that the show was through, that they had said everything that was going to be said.

In the end, though, while I’m angry about the non-ending, I’m grateful for the show, which while flawed, was infinitely more entertaining and compelling than 99.9% of what’s on television. The final nine episode go-around was a valiant final statement. And despite my friend Busco’s arguments on this site, I’m happy that Phil, the world’s most passive-aggressive mob boss got what he so richly deserved.

But in the end, the show, and the fans deserved much more than a blank screen.

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